Parenting is Still Hard

I was in the process of writing an update on our new parenting method. However, I decided that I didn’t really have much progress to report. We are in the full throes of behavior modification training. Zack wanted to get in on the fun too and decided to start digging in his heels and displaying resistance to everything that we ask him to do. After two weeks of getting up on his own, Anthony decided not to set his alarm for school the other morning, which resulted in him waking up after school had started, which resulted in a major freak-out, which resulted in his bedroom door being removed, which resulted in making Carl happy. Things are not pleasant here. We are standing firm. We are trying not to engage. We are trying not to yell. We are trying not to lecture. It is taking every ounce of restraint not to just go ballistic on the boys.

I tried to call the counselor today for a pep-talk. But he had the nerve to leave the country for a week. He has abandoned us at our hour of need. When he gets back into town, we need to find out how to handle the following situations:

• lying
• a teen that refuses to go somewhere that you ask. Do you physically drag them out the door? Or do you leave without them and implement consequences afterward? (which is what we did)
• an angry teen that leaves the house, promising not to come back until he gets his way. How long do you wait before you take action?
• when your child is in the throes of unpleasantness and angry and surly from implemented consequences, do you try to make general conversation with them to lighten the mood or do you just ignore them and let them be miserable? (Carl tends toward the former and I tend toward the latter.)

It’s hard, people. Very hard.

Anthony’s Grades – 10th Grade, 1st Semester

Final Exam Grade   Semester Grade

• Computer Application             None                             A  (97)
• English 10                              C+ (78)                           B  (84)
• Algebra II                               B+ (89)                          A- (91)
• Honors Biology                      D+ (68)                          B+ (87)
• New Testament Survey           C (74)                             B  (85)
• Spanish 2                               B  (83)                            B  (84)
• Western Civilization               C (77)                             A- (90)

After discussions with the school principal and the counselor a few weeks back, these adults have convinced Carl and I to stop monitoring all of his schoolwork. Homework was another major area of contention with the three of us. It was hard for Carl and I not to get involved and try to “make” Anthony do work according to a schedule that we thought appropriate. Carl and I are planners. Anthony is not. He’s a more “fly by the seat of his pants” and “wait until the very last-minute” sort of guy. And honestly, aren’t the majority of teenage boys?? It was very stressful for all of us. They stated that, as long as Anthony maintains the grade point average that we expect (which in his case is B’s), that we should not obsess over every assignment and test grade. We need to keep the overall grade in mind and it’s up to Anthony to figure out how to get there. By letting Anthony figure out how to maintain his grades and complete assignments according to deadlines, we would be better preparing him for real life. And it would be much less stressful for all!

So we promised that as long as Anthony keeps his overall grades in each class above a B-, which we know that he is fully capable of doing, that we would not discuss homework or projects or deadlines. We promised not to jump in when we looked on the website and saw late/missed assignments, poor grades on individual assignments or failed exams. However, if any overall grade drops below a B-, then consequences would be implemented. Consequences like not being able to drive. Afterall, if you are not responsible, then you should not be behind the wheel of a vehicle, right?

So, although it absolutely kills us for how poorly he was prepared for his final exams and for how little studying that he actually did for them (like trying to complete a 10-page study guide the night before the exam when he sat and played XBox for the whole week prior to exams!!!), we are proud of his final grades! We really can’t complain about 3 As and 4 Bs. We know he could do better and could probably be a straight A student if he actually tried. But we will just put a happy smile on our face, pat Anthony on the back and say “well done, son! Well done.”

Extreme Night Owl

This is the unofficial diagnosis of Anthony from the Sleep Specialist.

There are three components of sleep:

1. Our natural circadian rhythm (or sleep cycle) – are you a night owl, early morning person or neither?
2. How much sleep we need
3. How well we sleep

The sleep clinic had us keep a sleep log on Anthony for the past two weeks.

This log shows that for the three components mentioned above:

1. Anthony’s natural circadian rhythm is shifted about 4-5 hours later than would be beneficial for him.
2. Anthony requires a lot of sleep.
3. When he does fall asleep, he sleeps well….that part is good news!

#1 and #2 work against him to make it even more difficult because if his sleep cycle was shifted but he didn’t need much sleep, he could get by. For example, if his cycle was only shifted a few hours and he only needed 6-8 hours of sleep, falling asleep at midnight and then waking up at 7am for school would be no big deal.  However, in his case, not only is his cycle shifted way past a normal time but he could easily sleep 10+ hours a night.

So, what the doctor explained is that Anthony’s body is working against him to make getting up for school in the morning very difficult (as if we didn’t know this!). She encouraged Anthony with the fact that when he goes to college he can structure his class schedule to fit his natural cycle. And further, when he gets a job, he would be well-suited for second-shift or even late-night work.

Our goal is to work to slowly shift Anthony’s cycle earlier in the evening, with a goal of getting Anthony to sleep by 11pm on school nights. How are we going to accomplish this?

1. 3mg of Melatonin at around 5pm. We have tried Melatonin before but always right before bedtime. The doctor explained that Melatonin works to prepare your brain for sleep and starts stimulating the hormones. You need to take it well in advance of when you desire to sleep.
2. For the short-term (maybe a month-long), she prescribed a sleep medicine/muscle relaxant to take right before bedtime to help knock him out and get his cycle shifted.
3. 1/2 hour of light therapy each morning. Using a 60 Lux Bright Light for 1/2 hour each morning immediately after rising will help Anthony’s body to become alert and energized and also help shift his body to a normal waking state earlier in the day.
4. Turn off all visual electronics one hour prior to bed (something we have been telling Anthony for months. He won’t listen to us but maybe he will listen to the doctor). There should be no Xbox, no television, no Netflix movie on his Ipod Touch, etc. She said that he could lie in bed and read books/magazines or listen to soft, calming music prior to bed but there should be no other visual stimulation.
5. On Saturdays, she recommended letting Anthony sleep as long as possible to make up for any sleep deprivation from the week. However, on Sundays, to prevent throwing off his schedule for Monday morning, she said we should shoot for a wake-up time of around 10am. She told him by planning something fun on Sunday mornings, he would be excited to get up. I said, “what could be more exciting than getting up for church?”                   crickets, crickets

We thought it was a great appointment and we are happy with the plan that we have in place. We really liked the doctor and the way that she sat with us for over an hour to sort out all the issues and devise a plan that was acceptable. She focused most of her conversation directly to Anthony, asking him what his issues were, explaining things to *him* and formulating a plan that was acceptable with *him*. She had a very caring and concerned attitude.

We look forward to seeing how well the new techniques help Anthony in getting a better night’s sleep.

Flush the toilet…

My husband is bored.

He needs a project.

I was hoping that he would expand and remodel our kitchen.

I deserve an awesome kitchen.

I need a new oven.

I would love a new dishwasher and fridge.

Granite counter tops would be cool.

We could use more space for entertaining.

But that all is a little lot out of our budget.

New kitchens are expensive.

And I don’t want to have to get a job.

So he has decided to remodel the boy’s bathroom instead.

This is how it used to look when they were young and I could manage their mess.

The border practically fell off from the steam from the 20-minute scalding hot showers.

Carl and the boys (let’s be honest, mainly Carl) have spent months sanding off the sun, stars and moons that I stamped on the walls. Carl appreciated that. In all honesty, I thought we would be gone from this house before it ever needed redecorating. I thought the stamped images would be the new owner’s problem.

We plan on painting (me), putting tile over the linoleum (Carl), replacing the fixtures (Carl), framing the mirror (mainly me, probably with some help from the husband) and doing some simple decorating (me).

All so that the boys can leave their clothes all over the floor, smear toothpaste on the sink and counter, splatter the mirror with spit, pee all over the toilet and forget to flush in a more pleasing environment. Because, you know, having a cool, new, beautiful bathroom will totally motivate them to change their ways.

yeah, right.

**In case you were wondering, the color is the top photo versus the rest is so different because they were taken from two different cameras at two different times. It has to do with that pesky white balance that I was taking about the other day. Neither color is quite right because I didn’t use my grey card. It’s probably somewhere in between the two.

January Date Night

This past Saturday was the first of our twelve “Year of Date Nights” dates. January’s date was entitled “Mall Rats.”

So after sending Zack to a friend’s house for a sleepover and dropping Anthony off at the snowboarding hill (and having him subsequently go home with a friend so that they could return to the hill the following day), we drove to the nearest mall…Eden Prairie Center. This was quite a change for us. A typical Saturday night is spent in our family room on the couch (me)/recliner (Carl) watching a Netflix Instant or Redbox movie. If we are feeling daring, we might pop up a kettle of popcorn. But to actually go *out* and do *something* on a Saturday night was something.

We started with an appetizer in the food court.

We selected pot stickers from Little Tokyo.

When we were done with that, we just sat in our prime spot close to the fireplace to people-watch and play “Hipster Bingo,” looking for somebody wearing a “hoodie” or “old-school chuck taylors” or a “4-foot tall girl” or “8-foot tall guy” among other things.

Seeing as there was not a single “white-boy afro” in the entire mall, a winner was never declared after about an hour of people-watching so we finally moved on to the main course for dinner. We choose chicken tacos from Baja Sol.

With dinner complete, it was time for a scavenger hunt.

We probably walked the mall three times, searching for the items on the list.

• You can see the items that we found here.
• Our best hope for monogrammed underwear at Victoria’s Secret would not allow photographs in the store. Humph. Are they seriously afraid that their competitors are going to send a middle-aged couple into their store on a Saturday night to steal company secrets?
• Who could believe that in over an hour of walking the mall, we did not see one unhappy child?? We stalked the children’s play area twice and there was not one over-tired, over-stimulated, unhappy child present. What is wrong with parents nowadays? One child was about to throw a fit and his father quickly stuck a straw in the kid’s mouth to appease him. Stupid father.
• All the mannequins were fully dressed that evening, although Carl was tempted to unzip the hoodie of a mannequin to expose the bare breasts but I didn’t feel like getting thrown out of the mall for fondling fake boobies.
• By the time we went back to the food court to take a photo of some fries, the restaurants were all closing down and the food had already been disposed.
• Not only did we find a bottle of shampoo priced over $7.00, but there is a regular sized bottle of shampoo at Trade Secret priced at $59.00!!! What is in that bottle? Liquid Gold? Seriously. Who would pay $59.00 for a bottle of shampoo?

After closing out the mall, we ran out of time for dessert at the mall so we headed home to watch the iconic 1995 classic Mallrats, which seriously has to be one of the worst movies that we have ever endured. The absolute only thing that was endearing about this movie is that it was filmed at the very mall that we spent our evening. It was fun to see the layout of the mall and recognize the main entrance and general design of the mall. However, the plot was stupid. The acting was horrendous. The language was awful. We could only take about 40 minutes before fast-forwarding to the end.

And then we realized that we were in our house all alone. With no children.

The end.

More damn’d spots!

The other day, I was working on Rotary billing and registering a stack of checks that members had sent in to pay their bills. As I was endorsing the back of the checks with the self-inking endorsement stamp, I realized that you could barely see the image as it was almost out of ink. So I took the removable ink pad out of the stamp and headed up to my craft room to refill the pad. I realized that I was out of black reinker so I looked for another dark color and decided upon a dark burgundy ink. After dripping some ink on the pad, I headed back downstairs to finish the billing. And that is when this happened:

The ink drizzled off the top of the ink pad and right onto the carpet on the stairs!

When I tried to blot up as much of the ink as possible, that only served to spread the ink more.

I thought to myself “Oh boy…my husband is going to k-i-l-l me! I am such an idiot!” So I quickly went to Pinterest, remembering that I had pinned a few ideas about cleaning spots from carpets. The first idea called for pouring baking soda on the spots and letting it sit for 10 minutes before vacuuming the area. Then you were to spray a mixture of vinegar and water on the area and blot. The results are shown in all the photos above (which is why there are white halos around the spots). It was really not much of an improvement.

The next idea that I had pinned called for a bottle of ammonia, which meant that I would need to go to Target. Seeing as I didn’t feel like leaving my house, I decided that it would need to wait a day. The next afternoon, after purchasing a bottle of ammonia, I set to work again on the spots. This idea called for an equal part mixture of ammonia and hot water in a spray bottle. After spraying the spot liberally, you place a white towel (or in my case a double layer of paper towels) and iron the spot. I continued working on the spots, going through an entire roll of paper towels before deciding to take a break. I then would let the spots sit and dry before giving them another dousing and ironing. I continued that all weekend long, ironing my stairs every few hours, again finishing another roll of paper towels.

I will warn you that this is not the most environmentally friendly, all-natural cleaning method. Noxious fumes were definitely released while I was steaming the carpet. I’m sure that I lost a few hundred brain cells in the cleaning of my carpets. And apparently I don’t have many to spare as evidenced by the fact that I needed to steam my carpets all weekend long.

After spending the weekend ironing my stairs, what was the result, you may wonder?

It’s a vast improvement.

If you look closely, you can still see some pink spots. And actually, in real-life, they are not even as prominent as in these photos.

I could probably get them even lighter and maybe even out totally if I kept working at it. It seems like every time I kept trying, I was able to pull more and more pink out of the carpet. But honestly, I just got tired of ironing my stairs. It got to a point where I felt like I could live with it.

I am so happy that our stairs are saved for a while longer. Although Carl and I have been talking about replacing our 13-year old carpeting, we weren’t exactly planning on doing it immediately. So in the meantime, I can at least go to the upper level without cringing. I love Pinterest for all sorts of interesting ideas. This one definitely saved me. Thanks Pinterest!

Parenting is Hard – Part Two

I am happy and amazed to report that so far our first week of using our new system that I described yesterday is working beautifully. For the majority of the first semester, we have battled with Anthony on an almost daily basis with getting him up and ready for school on time. Up until last week, we have yelled, threatened, begged, pleaded, lectured, berated and physically dragged our son out of bed. In response, he has yelled back, ignored us, deliberately defied us, sulked, pouted, unplugged his alarm clock, overturned his bed, been late to school 13 times, served 5 after school detentions and served one 3-hour detention over Christmas break. It was not a system that was working well.

So even though we have sat him down in the past and lectured on the importance of getting up in the morning and threatened him with consequences if he did not, our actions have fallen on deaf ears. Last Tuesday night, however, we sat him down calmly and lovingly and used similar words to those that I modeled yesterday. We were positive and encouraging and told him how we knew that it was hard and we felt bad that he has such trouble sleeping, which makes it difficult for him to get up but that we were addressing that issue with a specialist very soon. We were calm. We were loving. We were very brief. We just told him what he needed to do.

And guess what? In the morning, he got up and ready without a word from us. Granted, he hit the sleep button 3 times, took a way too long shower, and ended up being 1 minute late for school, which earned him another 1-1/2 hour detention after finals this week. We expressed our sympathy and gently suggested that maybe he didn’t want to hit the snooze button 3 times. And that was it. That was all we said. And the next day, he made it with 5 minutes to spare. Same with the next day.

The real test came yesterday. He had a 3-day weekend (due to MLK Day on Monday) of staying up way too late and sleeping in. Carl and I worried about him getting up and ready for semester final exams. We debated whether we continue our firm stance during finals week or we give him some leeway, even though the counselor had told us to make no exceptions. Tuesday morning as I lay in bed and debated what to do if he didn’t get up soon, I suddenly heard the shower down the hallway. He did it!

How do I explain the difference? I think it was all in our attitudes as parents. By being calm and loving and brief, we said what we needed to say and then moved on. I think Anthony felt understood. He felt that we loved him and sympathized with him. And he felt responsible. We stripped away his desire to be angry. We stripped away his desire to rebel. We enlisted a spirit of cooperation. So far, so good.

I will update in a few weeks and let you know how it is working then. Our next goal is to work on picking up the clothes that are left all over the bedroom and bathroom floors! Watch out boys…your mom and dad are on a roll!

Parenting is Hard – Part One

When Carl and I struggle with our children, our first reaction is to yell. Then when we have released our initial anger, we tend to want to sit them down and talk and explain and convince them of the error of their ways until they see the light and suddenly say “yes, of course, I’ve been such an idiot and I’m going to do things your way from now on.” Of course, that “AH-HA” moment never seems to come and we just talk until we are blue in the face and our children have succumbed into a coma while the same bad behaviors just continue on.

So after hearing a psychologist speak at a parent meeting at Anthony’s school last spring, we decided to meet with him privately last week for some one-on-one pointers for being better parents. I thought that I would just jot down some ideas here so that

1. I don’t forget them.
2. It may help somebody else in their struggles with their children.

RULE #1: Ask yourself “How is my child’s behavior paying off for him/her?”

In most cases, the negative attention that they are getting from their bad behavior is the pay-off. So you need to stop engaging in the negative battles with your child. Staying calm and following Rule #3 is the key. When parents react strongly to our children’s bad behaviors, we are giving them the power over us. We need to keep the power. Stay calm and quiet while your child is baiting you and see how much it drives them crazy! If a child gets verbally abusive and uses inappropriate language, you can calmly say “Child, you are not allowed to talk to me like that” but that is it.

RULE #2: Ask yourself “How can I make it costly for my child to continue the bad behavior?”

You may need to remove everything that brings the child joy for a period of time until you have compliance. However, consequences are always short-term with a definite end in sight.

RULE #3: Stop Talking! The less we say as parents, the better.

So what does this look like?

If, say for example, you have a 15-year old son who refuses to get up and ready for school in a timely manner and the regular detentions that he is getting from school are not deterring him, then you need to address this behavior. You start by sitting down with the teenager for a brief, calm 5-minute discussion that goes something like this:

“Teenager, we have to apologize for our poor parenting skills and for enabling you to be dependent upon us to get you up each morning. Being able to get oneself up and ready in a timely manner is an important life skill that most adults are going to need. So, starting tomorrow, mom and I are not going to be getting you up in the morning. It will be your responsibility to set your alarm and then actually get up out of bed in the morning. We’ve already provided you with that awesome Sonic Boom alarm clock, but if you need additional alarm clocks put in your room or if you want help setting them at night for the first few days, just ask. But we are not going to bug you about setting alarms or getting up. You are going to have to do it on your own. We know it’s hard for you to get up and we really feel bad but it’s something that you need to learn how to do.”

And that’s the end of the discussion.

In the morning, no matter what, you must wait for the child to wake up, even if it means that they will be 3 hours late for school. And if the teenager wakes up and realizes that they are 3 hours late and starts yelling and screaming and blaming you, just continue with your normal business, staying calm and quiet at all costs. Easier said than done but this step is crucial.

Then the fun begins. While the child is gone, you need to increase the cost of this bad behavior, since being late and getting a detention is just not enough. So maybe just remove something that gives them joy, like say the Xbox machine. When the teenager gets home and sees the missing game and has a hissy fit, demanding to know why you took the game, the only thing that you need to say is “you will be getting it back on Saturday.” Consequences are always implemented without fanfare, without major proclamations as to why they are being imposed and without anger. If a child is relentless and keeps asking “why, why, why,” you can simply and calmly state “we explained the rule the other night and we aren’t going to talk about this again.” Period. And nothing more.

If the same thing happens the following day, remove another item of joy while the child is at school. The counselor promised, in fact almost guaranteed, that if we followed these steps, the bad behavior would be eliminated within just a few weeks time. You should only target 1-2 negative behaviors at a time. You should see definite improvement within a very short time and then you can move on to the next behavior.

The counselor also reminded us of the importance of positive comments over negative comments. Unfortunately our children get more of the latter. We need to work on reversing that. Learn to say things like “I know it’s hard for you.” “We understand what you are going through.” “You did a really good job getting up this morning so I’m going to empty the dishwasher for you.” Work on keeping our interactions with our children positive and happy. Avoid constantly criticizing and looking for the negative.

Tomorrow I will tell you how our first 3 days of this new system went. Maybe you want to try this with your child or grandchild. If you do, let me know how it works.

More winter cards

Another weekend of playoff football games meant more time to spend stamping. Here are this weekends creations.

A baby card for our neighbor’s new grandson.

I was able to use my swirly Big Shot embossing folder again. I really, really wish that I had the polka dot embossing folder but I haven’t expanded my collection yet. An embossed polka dot background would have been really cute.

The silver dots were applied individually with a special heat tool that I have.

It was a little time-intensive but I am really happy with the results. I love this card.

I also worked on a few Valentine’s cards.

I made multiple copies of the latter two so that I can sell some.

Anybody need a Valentine’s Day card for their sweetie? I need a reason to continue playing in my room. You can find an order form here.

If you leave me a comment by Thursday the 19th at noon, I will draw one name to receive a Valentine card. The winner will be posted on Friday. Good luck.

White as Rice

**Dad: Thanks for stopping by but you probably want to just move right along to whatever else it is that you have to do this fine day. You won’t find anything of interest here.**

Every since I bought my DSLR, I have struggled to get proper white balance in indoor, artificially-lit settings. The color is often “off” and sometimes it’s difficult to fix with photo editing software. Back in November, I attended two Digital SLR Camera seminars at National Camera Exchange and learned of the necessity to set a manual white balance using a grey card when shooting in manual modes (Aperture Priority, Shutter Priority or Manual). I was excited to find some cheap, small, portable white balance cards on Amazon for less than $15 so I decided to give them a try. You really only need the grey card and I am not really sure what the white and black cards are for but whatever.

I’m not going to go into detail about how to use the grey card or how to set a manual white balance with *your* DSLR since I am by no means an expert and that’s not the purpose of my blog. I’m sure there are many places on the internet that can explain it better than I could. But I will show you some examples of the results that can be achieved with a manual white balance using a grey card.

Here is my Thanks Snow Much card with the Automatic White Balance on my kitchen counter, under fluorescent lights:

Yuck! Look how yellow and distorted the colors look.

Here’s the card with the White Balance set to flourscent:

It’s better but still not great. It has a green cast to it now.

Now, here is the card after using my grey card to set a manual white balance.

Perfect!

Here’s another example of a human test subject in the same location using the Automatic White Balance.

He’s got a lovely yellow glow.

And now after using my grey card to set a manual white balance.

Better. Goofy, but better.

And finally, here is a non-human test subject, taken with the camera set on Automatic White Balance.

Sweet Harry actually doesn’t look so bad in this photo. But after you see the next one, you will realize how pinkish the top photo is.

Same subject after using my grey card to set a manual white balance.

Better! You can see the true colors of our sofa now also…navy and tan.

Loving my new tool! If you have a DSLR and struggle to get good color quality with your indoor photos, you might want to invest in this simple and inexpensive tool.